The reality of sight and the reality of blindness.
I never thought one could be in two realms when it comes to vision.
It’s been almost four years since I was told I’m legally blind. And I’m still trying to figure out how to live between two worlds.
I can see, but I can’t see.
It sounds confusing, doesn’t it? But that’s exactly what it is in my daily life.
I’m not fully blind. I’m not fully sighted.
I don’t see the world in complete darkness, but I also don’t see the world clearly.
It feels like I’m standing with one leg in the world of the sighted, where seeing is so simple and effortless. But my other leg stands in the world of blindness, where my vision is blurry and shaky, and where I would bump into barriers, both physically and emotionally.
I live in this in-between space.
Some moments I pass as someone who can “see”. I can make out shapes, colours (well, most of it cos I’m colour blind to some colours), and movement (though there are times when I can’t). I can also make my bed, brush my teeth, boil an egg, etc – enough to make people think I’m fine (especially if the person doesn’t know I’m blind). Other moments I feel the full weight of what I’ve lost – missing details, struggling with faces and unfamiliar places, etc.
I feel like I don’t fully belong to either world.
Not sighted enough for the sighted.
Not blind enough for the blind.
There’s grief in this – for what I once had.
This is where I’m at.
Living between sight and blindness.
Stumbling, forced to learn and forced to adapt, day by day (In this case, I’m forced by my circumstances). But even then, I’m forcing myself to not adapt so easily and quickly (In this case, I’m personally forcing myself), not because I’m in denial of my blindness, but because I don’t want to reach the destination yet (read Blind Girl on a Bullet Train).